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February 21, 2018

The Problem with Marraige

Lately I’ve been thinking all about marriage. I feel like it was widely underappreciated and it’s just something people do for fun instead of for love. Divorce is so common and is used as an easy way out. People would rather give up on their marriage and loved ones instead of working to figure their problems out.

I got married in September of 2016. And I’ll be honest; it hasn’t been a walk in the park. We have gone through so much and have struggled a lot just within a short time of being married. My husband became an instant dad to my then two-year-old, and we added another little boy a year later. He came into something/ a family that already had its own flow going. And, to throw a little more fun into the mix, the month we got married I got “served” with papers from my sons dad to get parent time. On our wedding day my dad never showed up to my wedding. And a week after our wedding we had to come home from our honeymoon a bit early because Jordan’s grandpa was dying from cancer. (September was a crazy, emotional whirlwind…but boy am I glad I had my hubby by my side)

No, our problems have nothing to do with loving each other. It’s not easy to combine two completely different lives that were raised and think completely differently. We have different styles different hobbies and different stress relievers. The way we feel loved is completely opposite as well.

I honestly think marriage is just not talked about enough. Everyone loves to talk about the good parts and being with the love of your life. But no one likes to talk about the hardships and struggles that you face as a couple. No one wants to admit that his or her marriage goes through hard times. I mean all the outsiders really see are your social media and why would you post your struggles on social media!?
But because of that I feel like when these hardships come in marriage people don’t know what to do! They didn’t expect to feel this way or to go through this so they wind up just giving up.
No I’m not saying everybody should post their struggles or their hardships on Facebook. But I think we, as parents need to teach our kids both sides of marriage.

We need to tell and to teach them the hardships and the struggles but we also need to show them how to get through them and how to rely on your partner and that through love you can get through anything.

We need to teach them that people love differently and feel loved differently.

We need to teach them that everyone is raised differently and everybody parents differently, and sometimes your thoughts and feelings won’t add up to your partners. And even if they do add up to your partners you both have parents who may not agree with your parenting styles, and that’s okay.

We need to teach them that your immediate family’s needs come before your brothers and sisters or your parents.

I believe that the five love languages help solve a lot of problems. Not many people use them but those that do know what I’m talking about. It teaches you the way you feel loved as a person. I personally feel loved through gifts and acts of service. My husband feels loved through touch and words of affirmation. So I know that if he is having a hard day I need to reassure him how much we appreciate him or I need to sit next to him and hold his hand (or things related to that).
One thing that I know me and my husband struggle at is remembering that the other person doesn’t feel loved the same way. So if I get him a gift thinking I’m helping him feel loved, I’m really not (he appreciates and loves the gift but it’s not the way he feels loved by me) And that’s because his love language isn’t gifts. Anyone I talk to I will always refer to the five love languages. It’s helped me and my husband think more about the other person and what they would love, instead of what we would love to do for them.

Another huge thing about marriage is communication. And yes while this one may be obvious to everybody, it’s not utilized.

The first couple months of marriage I kept getting mad at my husband for things that he didn’t know bothered me. He didn’t know I was upset and he didn’t know I was being hurt by things he was doing. He didn’t know because I didn’t tell him. When I was upset or mad I would just go to bed or pick up my phone and scroll through Facebook or Instagram; Instead of talking to him and telling him that I was upset and the reason why I was upset. This led to unnecessary fighting.

I’ve learned now that when something upsets me or I have a problem with something, to just bring it up with him and talk about it then and there. Then he knows when I’m upset, why I am upset, and we can talk through it. We get over things much faster, and the simple things aren’t as much of a problem! (It goes both ways as well!)

Some days are not good for me. I have hard days (who doesn’t!?) so if I tell him right off the bat that I’m having a hard day and just need support, he knows when he gets home from work to help me more with the kids, and take on more of the responsibilities that I normally do.
Communication is so simple. But it’s often missed in marriages.
Marriage is hard. Living with a boy is hard (lol). Combining two separate lives into one is hard. Marriage isn’t easy. That’s why when you are dating and choosing who you want to spend forever with, it’s important to talk about the hard things. Learn every aspect of how the other person works.
Marriage isn’t “happily ever after” from the start. The princess has to go through her hard times first to get to the happily ever after.

Don’t let this blog post scare you.. Being married is hard sometimes, but so rewarding and wonderful most of the time. I get to spend my life with my best friend. We get to create a family and watch little us grow up. We get to go on adventures and create memories with the people we love most. I don’t have to face the hard aspects of life alone. I’m never alone. I always have support. I have someone to fight for and someone who wants to fight for me.
Marriage is hard. But it’s the absolute best kind of hard.