It’s me again.
I haven’t written a blog post in a while. And while I love writing, I followed thumpers moms rule: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”
I’ve been in a slump. A big one. And honestly I’m still trying to climb out. But writing is one way I get over things. It allows me to express the way I’m feeling and get my story out there.
Since starting my blog, I’ve had a few people reach out to me and explain how they are going through similar things, and how reading about my experiences has helped them.
That made my mind up. I needed to write more, and it needed to be more then once every couple months. It also needed to be through all the good and through all the bad. Life isn’t always good. It’s not what social media makes it out to be. So why do we always tell just the amazing parts of our life?
Because no one wants to admit they are struggling. No one wants to publicly say and reach out for help.
And that’s the problem. Because no one wants to share the bad, we all feel like we are the only ones going through life feeling this way, when that’s not the case.
Everyone has times in their life when they struggle. Where they wonder, pray, and plead; to know what to do, and why they have to go through things.
So back to my slump. My “hard time”. As most everyone who knows me knows, I got pregnant in high school at 16. Since I found out I was pregnant, my life has turned. I went from being liked and loved, easily fitting in with groups, to struggling to find a friend who cared for me and WANTED to be my friend. I spent YEARS fighting and proving myself. That just because I was a teen mom, didn’t mean that it had to define who I was. But it has. That’s how people know me, and I’m learning to turn it into a positive thing.
While trying not to say anything negative, talking about being a teen mom has lead me to where I am now. I have an amazing husband and I’ve added another little boy who is so spoiled but the life of the party.
Brycen is 5 now (which he tells anyone and everyone that he meets). He is still my pride and joy and my best friend. I love him more then I can explain and it’s a love that is forever. (His future wife might have to fight me to be his #1 lol).
I try to give him the best life. I want him to feel like he can do anything and everything.
But being a teen mom, there was also a teen dad. Who I obviously didn’t stay with. And when my little 5 year old cries over certain situations that he hates, and it digs into me. Because I chose my life, but he hasn’t chosen his. I did. He was born into a broken family because of choices I made as a teen. And it kills me every day.
He is going through so much at such a young age.
Side note..
Our latest talk, was the temple. He loves when he sees one, he loves talking about the “castles”. He asked if we could go inside soon (primary is his favorite, along with singing, and I love to see the temple is sung often) and while we are apart of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we can’t go in. I can, with my husband and Tage, but Brycen can’t. Certain people have to sign off on it because Jordan is legally Brycen’s dad. Even though he has raised Brycen with me, and been in his life since he was 2. And it sucks. I want to be sealed with my family forever. He wants to go into the temple. And he was so upset in our conversation because I explained that we will most likely have to wait until he is 18. And he didn’t want to wait, he wanted to go tomorrow. And I wanted so badly to tell him okay.
And now back to broken family, hard days, and my slump. I’ve been dealing with PPD since I had Brycen. It’s something that SO MANY moms go through but don’t talk about it. And this year it’s hit me harder then ever. I’ve struggled most days. I had a new baby who has been so hard. And this year is the first year Brycen’s dad has been involved. Every time brycen goes to his dads, i get in an even bigger slump. I’m not whole without him. I’ve raised him for 5 years every single day. I went through high school, a year of college, and working multiple jobs, while being his mom. So when he leaves it’s painful. This last month his dad got him for fall break, which happened to fall directly on his birthday. To say my heart hurt is an understatement. That’s my baby. And I couldn’t be with him. I got a FaceTime. And I bawled the ENTIRE TIME. (And all day.) it was so sh*tty.
And now this will be the first Christmas where he won’t be with me. My family won’t be together. I’ve always loved Christmas and the joy it brings. But lately, the closer it gets to Christmas, the more I wish it wasn’t here. My slump keeps getting bigger, and bigger.
Yet I don’t talk about it. Millions are going through this same thing. There are so many broken families. Families like mine. Where we try our best to act normal and like we aren’t dying on the inside.
Broken families are becoming the “norm”. So why can’t we talk about it? Why can’t we learn from other people, talk to each other, get each other through these stupid slumps. I’m 22 learning how to live like this. I wish I could go online and read others experiences and learn. I’ve tried. Google didn’t help much. And I’m sick of being in this deep slump. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not needed in my own life. I’m sick of fighting to prove myself every single day.
This is who I am. My name is Lyndsey, I’m 22, I love sports, and dance, and gymnastics. I’m GOOD at most things I put my mind to. I love crafting. I love renovating my small home one room at a time. I love my boys. They need me. Their one and only mother. I love music, I sing and play the guitar and piano. I usually only listen to songs that have meanings. I LIVE for songs that I feel. I love deeply. My heart is bigger then I’d like to admit. I hate admitting that I need help and I hate sharing my bad feelings. I’ve never been confident in appearance, and I struggle everyday with how people are viewing me. I struggle so bad with what others think of me. Because I don't want to be just "that teen mom". I have faults. I have slumps. I have good days. I have amazing days. But I’m human. And right now, I’m going through the part of my life where god is testing and breaking me. I don’t know my purpose yet but I know I have to find it. I know I was made to do great things, or even raise a great child. My mother and my husband get me through my bad days. I call my mom more then I should probably and I miss her deeply when I don’t talk to her every day. Me going through these things has brought us so close. I know she had to go through things in her life, so she could help me go through what I’m going through now.
We need to speak up. Talk about our slumps. Help each other. KNOW each other.
I was going through my instagram, and most of my followers have no idea who i really am. They all just think they know me from things they’ve heard. and I HATE THAT. Why follow me when you don't support and love me. Why follow me if you don't root for me and cheer me on. Social media trolls are real, and they are closer to home then you want to believe.
And, if anyone is going through similar things, I’m the best listener. I understand, and I’ll cry with you. I feel for you. It’s not easy, and god didn’t give us these trials for nothing. We can do this.
One day I’ll figure everything out. I’ll know why, and I won’t have to plead. I’ll be able to be sealed to My family and it will be the best. Day. Ever. I won't have to have heart wrenching conversations with my son. Until then, I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep pushing. Because this is my life, and I was chosen for this life for a reason. Sometimes it just takes longer then we want.
Sincerely, me.
I haven’t written a blog post in a while. And while I love writing, I followed thumpers moms rule: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”
I’ve been in a slump. A big one. And honestly I’m still trying to climb out. But writing is one way I get over things. It allows me to express the way I’m feeling and get my story out there.
Since starting my blog, I’ve had a few people reach out to me and explain how they are going through similar things, and how reading about my experiences has helped them.
That made my mind up. I needed to write more, and it needed to be more then once every couple months. It also needed to be through all the good and through all the bad. Life isn’t always good. It’s not what social media makes it out to be. So why do we always tell just the amazing parts of our life?
Because no one wants to admit they are struggling. No one wants to publicly say and reach out for help.
And that’s the problem. Because no one wants to share the bad, we all feel like we are the only ones going through life feeling this way, when that’s not the case.
Everyone has times in their life when they struggle. Where they wonder, pray, and plead; to know what to do, and why they have to go through things.
So back to my slump. My “hard time”. As most everyone who knows me knows, I got pregnant in high school at 16. Since I found out I was pregnant, my life has turned. I went from being liked and loved, easily fitting in with groups, to struggling to find a friend who cared for me and WANTED to be my friend. I spent YEARS fighting and proving myself. That just because I was a teen mom, didn’t mean that it had to define who I was. But it has. That’s how people know me, and I’m learning to turn it into a positive thing.
While trying not to say anything negative, talking about being a teen mom has lead me to where I am now. I have an amazing husband and I’ve added another little boy who is so spoiled but the life of the party.
Brycen is 5 now (which he tells anyone and everyone that he meets). He is still my pride and joy and my best friend. I love him more then I can explain and it’s a love that is forever. (His future wife might have to fight me to be his #1 lol).
I try to give him the best life. I want him to feel like he can do anything and everything.
But being a teen mom, there was also a teen dad. Who I obviously didn’t stay with. And when my little 5 year old cries over certain situations that he hates, and it digs into me. Because I chose my life, but he hasn’t chosen his. I did. He was born into a broken family because of choices I made as a teen. And it kills me every day.
He is going through so much at such a young age.
Side note..
Our latest talk, was the temple. He loves when he sees one, he loves talking about the “castles”. He asked if we could go inside soon (primary is his favorite, along with singing, and I love to see the temple is sung often) and while we are apart of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we can’t go in. I can, with my husband and Tage, but Brycen can’t. Certain people have to sign off on it because Jordan is legally Brycen’s dad. Even though he has raised Brycen with me, and been in his life since he was 2. And it sucks. I want to be sealed with my family forever. He wants to go into the temple. And he was so upset in our conversation because I explained that we will most likely have to wait until he is 18. And he didn’t want to wait, he wanted to go tomorrow. And I wanted so badly to tell him okay.
And now back to broken family, hard days, and my slump. I’ve been dealing with PPD since I had Brycen. It’s something that SO MANY moms go through but don’t talk about it. And this year it’s hit me harder then ever. I’ve struggled most days. I had a new baby who has been so hard. And this year is the first year Brycen’s dad has been involved. Every time brycen goes to his dads, i get in an even bigger slump. I’m not whole without him. I’ve raised him for 5 years every single day. I went through high school, a year of college, and working multiple jobs, while being his mom. So when he leaves it’s painful. This last month his dad got him for fall break, which happened to fall directly on his birthday. To say my heart hurt is an understatement. That’s my baby. And I couldn’t be with him. I got a FaceTime. And I bawled the ENTIRE TIME. (And all day.) it was so sh*tty.
And now this will be the first Christmas where he won’t be with me. My family won’t be together. I’ve always loved Christmas and the joy it brings. But lately, the closer it gets to Christmas, the more I wish it wasn’t here. My slump keeps getting bigger, and bigger.
Yet I don’t talk about it. Millions are going through this same thing. There are so many broken families. Families like mine. Where we try our best to act normal and like we aren’t dying on the inside.
Broken families are becoming the “norm”. So why can’t we talk about it? Why can’t we learn from other people, talk to each other, get each other through these stupid slumps. I’m 22 learning how to live like this. I wish I could go online and read others experiences and learn. I’ve tried. Google didn’t help much. And I’m sick of being in this deep slump. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not needed in my own life. I’m sick of fighting to prove myself every single day.
This is who I am. My name is Lyndsey, I’m 22, I love sports, and dance, and gymnastics. I’m GOOD at most things I put my mind to. I love crafting. I love renovating my small home one room at a time. I love my boys. They need me. Their one and only mother. I love music, I sing and play the guitar and piano. I usually only listen to songs that have meanings. I LIVE for songs that I feel. I love deeply. My heart is bigger then I’d like to admit. I hate admitting that I need help and I hate sharing my bad feelings. I’ve never been confident in appearance, and I struggle everyday with how people are viewing me. I struggle so bad with what others think of me. Because I don't want to be just "that teen mom". I have faults. I have slumps. I have good days. I have amazing days. But I’m human. And right now, I’m going through the part of my life where god is testing and breaking me. I don’t know my purpose yet but I know I have to find it. I know I was made to do great things, or even raise a great child. My mother and my husband get me through my bad days. I call my mom more then I should probably and I miss her deeply when I don’t talk to her every day. Me going through these things has brought us so close. I know she had to go through things in her life, so she could help me go through what I’m going through now.
We need to speak up. Talk about our slumps. Help each other. KNOW each other.
I was going through my instagram, and most of my followers have no idea who i really am. They all just think they know me from things they’ve heard. and I HATE THAT. Why follow me when you don't support and love me. Why follow me if you don't root for me and cheer me on. Social media trolls are real, and they are closer to home then you want to believe.
And, if anyone is going through similar things, I’m the best listener. I understand, and I’ll cry with you. I feel for you. It’s not easy, and god didn’t give us these trials for nothing. We can do this.
One day I’ll figure everything out. I’ll know why, and I won’t have to plead. I’ll be able to be sealed to My family and it will be the best. Day. Ever. I won't have to have heart wrenching conversations with my son. Until then, I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep pushing. Because this is my life, and I was chosen for this life for a reason. Sometimes it just takes longer then we want.
Sincerely, me.
Oh Lindsey I had no idea You were going through all this. I love that you shared it that is so brave of you!! I totally know how you feel in a sense of having to send your child to their other parents house.... I'm a step parent just like Jordan and it kills me to see,my kids go back with their mother and worry about them constantly. But I too have also been Brycen and I can tell you no matter what empty promises are made to him or what is said about you at their house (cause lets be real we all know it happens...even to me) that little boy will ALWAYS love his mother and he truly knows the person and mother you are!! Everytime I worry about what people think,of,our situation I remember a friend telling me "what people say behind your back, is none of your business." You are an amazing mother always remember that cause Brycen does!! Love ya girl! Toni M.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Yes, just from writing this post things have been said. I totally block it out because I know how I feel. I know the truth. and I know how much he loves me and how much I love him! He is my baby boy! Sometimes it just gets to be so much to handle and It starts to get me a little. But I love that. If they can't come say it to me or have a conversation with me, It shouldn't even matter. <3
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